I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
