just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
