I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
