mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
