The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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