I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
