I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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