Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
