Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
