Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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