Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
