made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
