My liver just broke up with me...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize