She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
