My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
