She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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