haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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