I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
did you just send me my own nude
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
