Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
