I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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