when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
