My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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