1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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