I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
