I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
