its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
