i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
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