Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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