im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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