A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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