half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
