I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
