You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
