I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
