I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
