it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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