I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
