mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
