Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
