i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
