Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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