She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
