the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
