Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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