Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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