Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
