I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize