I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize