I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
