So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
