i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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