Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
