Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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