Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
