What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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