I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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