I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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