You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
