upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize